【其他吐槽】程序猿幽默

By usernamejim at 2014-06-09 15:01:04 • 3047点击 • 2收藏

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镇楼图:编程史上第一个bug

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http://daily.zhihu.com/story/3931882
“如果地球自转速度在一年内逐渐变慢到原来的一半,一天将会有 48 小时,那会发生什么事情呢?”
答:
“你一天得上 16 小时的班。程序员另算。”
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小型参观吐槽
原文出处:
http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke
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Q: How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?

A: An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

如何区分内向/外向的程序猿?

外向的程序猿说话时看这“你的”鞋。(内向的则看着他/(她)自己的)
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Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?

A: Because Oct 31 == Dec 25!

为何程序猿圣诞万圣不分?

因为Oct 31 == Dec 25

(注:分别是万圣节、圣诞节日期,同时也代表8进制的31和10进制的25,二者相等。)

(再注:这两个月中应该还有更多“相等”的日子,几行代码可以解决~)
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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”

列车驶入隧道,一片漆黑。

车内四人,程序猿与相恋妹纸(//由此可见此故事纯属虚构),妹纸的祖母,程序猿的PM(项目经理)。

只听得一阵接吻,一记耳光。

祖母:那个程序屌居然强吻我闺女,活该被抽。

PM:我不知道我那程序猿那么大胆,不过那女孩抽错了她抽的是我!!!

女孩:早就想接吻了,不过希望祖母没抽他...

程序猿:人生真美好,亲妹纸和抽PM这两件好事居然可以兼得~
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A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

A热气球中迷航。近地,问在哪里。

B答曰:热气球中。

A猜之为程序猿。B问其故,对曰“你的话技术上正确,实际上无用。”

B猜A为PM。A大惑之,B曰:你自己都不知道自己身在何方、去往何处,我现在帮不了你,你迷路就成了我的错了?!
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“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”

:-o

敲门,敲门。

谁?

sleep(1000);//等了很久

Java。

//(求详解)
感谢fxxd3740补充:
这是在黑Java的运行速度堪比A343的爬升率。
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A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

一个SQL请求菌走近一家酒吧,走到两张桌子(表格)前问道:我能加入(连接)你们吗?

//(求详解)
感谢fxxd3740补充:
SQL query最常干的事情就是Join...
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Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.

说Java好因为各种系统都能用就像说(某种邪恶的东西乱入)。
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Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: none, that's a hardware problem

多少个程序猿能换好一个灯泡?

多少也不行,那是硬件问题。(何不找个C语言的程序猿?)
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%//大型无节操搬运(好吧注释好像不是这么写的)
http://thegreatgeekmanual.com/images/graphical-gags/august/tanlines.jpg
http://coolshell.cn//wp-content/uploads/2012/02/programming-language.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BmsLffxCYAAnNNV.jpg:large
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/93/5d/a2/935da22caf2096ffafd1499289912fca.jpg
https://dougbarton.us/images/real-supercoder.jpg
http://www.commonsenseevaluation.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/How-To-Fix-Any-Computer.jpg
http://www.englishbaby.com/dynamic/my_photo/image/0000/0001/1890/1890339_1285012999_442456.jpg

http://my.oschina.net/justjavac/blog/67335

27 回复 | 直到 2014-06-18 04:05:05

PM和程序员互相看不顺眼由来已久。。。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-09 15:09:29
1

我自己写的:

当修炼到最高程度:

B.B.A:数出一打钱,让人把事平了

B.Sc:接一打钱,给人家平事去

这么想立即生活就无望了。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-09 15:12:53
2

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

very long pause….

“Java.”


这个是黑Java的运行速度慢

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 15:13:00
3

Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem

多少个程序猿能换好一个灯泡?
多少也不行,那是硬件问题。(何不找个C语言的程序猿?)
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跟C语言无关 这是吐槽程序猿往往不懂硬件

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 15:15:18
4

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

吐槽SQL query最经常做的操作就是 join

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 15:16:03
5

@fxxd3740 我以为程序员能好点


直到我发现N多程序员真的不知道为什么有个A: B: 。。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-09 15:18:42
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@fxxd3740 关于换灯泡与C语言的典故:
C语言据说易于直接对硬件进行操作。
http://bbs.chinaunix.net/thread-3776981-1-1.html

usernamejim at 2014-06-09 15:19:28
7

@beining 求教:这个A: B: 是肿么个梗?

usernamejim at 2014-06-09 15:21:12
8

@beining
“PM和程序员互相看不顺眼由来已久。。。。”
(Programmer vs PM)vs (Pilot vs ATC)
examples:
1.论粗暴无理的管制
2.Air China 981 vs [email protected]

usernamejim at 2014-06-09 15:25:03
9

@usernamejim
1 “C语言易于直接对硬件进行操作” 这个说法和楼主的笑话之间 除了都有电灯泡这个和编程无关的日常用品之外 我并未看见联系
2 虽然C语言较其它语言更为靠近底层 然而“C语言易于直接对硬件进行操作” 这个说法仍然是个伪命题 具体原因在你给出的链接中已经讲明白了

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 15:34:38
10

Saying that Java is nice because it works on every OS is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on every gender.
Java很好是因为Java能在每个操作系统都能运行,这种说法就跟说肛交很好是因为每个性别都能实行一样。

这是在黑Java粉。讨论语言特性的时候Java粉动不动就拿跨平台性说事,而一定程度上无视了语言本身需要的东西。

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 15:44:07
11

@usernamejim Win下的A盘和B盘。。。当时给软驱预留的。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-09 16:03:08
12

@fxxd3740 的确 啥都能跑 10年开机3秒死机那种。。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-09 16:03:45
13

@beining 结果Java标榜的跨平台性 其实令人大失所望。。。

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-09 16:11:48
14

@fxxd3740 貌似还没看到吐槽C# 的喂。。。

程序猿:Hey MS!(微软)I found a bug, which is this feature is not work on C# platform! It should work on JAVA platform!!(JAVA 能干的C# 都能干,语言结构、功能都跟JAVA系统 一致,除了Windows 平台限制。。当然写法不一定一样)

Microsoft: Just relax please. Our development team forgot copy this part from JAVA, It should be fix at next version.

infinitysky at 2014-06-09 17:05:37
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@infinitysky 买C++指导书,一看这个写的很艺术,两个加号叠在一起的,买之,为C#...

usernamejim at 2014-06-10 00:45:06
16

@fxxd3740 哪是什么一次编写到处运行,分明是一次编写到处调试,还尽是诡异的问题。连更高阶的脚本语言如python都不敢随便吹嘘跨平台,一个编译型语言哪能做到多好……

farta at 2014-06-10 02:46:57
17

@farta Python?是的 除了win都不错。。。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-10 02:59:18
18

@beining 就算是在Windows下,Python也是一个很好的语言。我用过Windows + Apache + WSGI + Django的组合,工作得也还可以。但跨平台这种东西,无论是啥语言,都得小心翼翼。现在写的一个东西大量地用os.fork(),从根本上杜绝了在Windows上运行的可能=-=

farta at 2014-06-10 03:37:35
19

@farta 这是啥组合。。。。。

跨平台的确需要绝对小心。谁知道库里面有点啥。。。。。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-10 03:55:52
20

@beining 这是很正常的组合...

fxxd3740 at 2014-06-10 05:47:18
21

@usernamejim 然后发现尼玛跟JAVA 一样一样的~ 有没有 哈哈
除了不是System.out.print 改成 Console.WriteLine 之类的

infinitysky at 2014-06-10 09:12:51
22

@infinitysky 要实话实说的话,在语言设计上,C#是比java要好的。可惜生在了M$家里,给推广带来巨大障碍。到现在mono上跑的项目也没有成气候的样子。

farta at 2014-06-10 09:31:37
23

C#根本就不是跨平台的设计……看MSDN库的文档就知道……
System.Net.Sockets.SocketException.ErrorCode -- 文档里指明了是Winsock2错误代码_(:3 」∠ )_
System.Text.Encoding.WindowsCodePage -- 一看就懂_(:3 」∠ )_
System.Exception.HResult -- HResult都来了,用过COM的都懂_(:3 」∠ )_
而且都是在System命名空间下的_(:3 」∠ )_

不过扩展方法和Linq这俩真的是懒人专用呢_(:3 」∠ )_
本来几十行的过滤+统计+过滤+排序用Linq才5行……

linnaea at 2014-06-16 17:33:03
24

@linnaea 确实不是跨平台 。。我们吐槽的是。。。MS的C# 抄的JAVA一模一样的结构。。
不过linq 这种增强货 简直酷炫。 有点像小型SQL 的感觉。。 Var 进去 答案出来。。
不过现在JAVA貌似也在考虑自身整合一个类似linq 的能力进去

infinitysky at 2014-06-17 14:03:08
25

@infinitysky
前略,天国的SoftReference……
以及至少我不用写public static final了
以及可以obj.X++;而不用obj.setX(obj.getX()+1);
还有yield return和yield break……
运算符重载……
还有我不用写一堆throws了(比较外层的代码写过20多个throws……真心想直接一个throws Exception拉倒……)
Delegate和Lambda表达式也是省了不少事情,至少不用new Runnable() { public void run() { } }了
还有泛型啦之类的

总之懒人福音_(:3 」∠ )_

话说Java 8支持Lambda表达式了诶

linnaea at 2014-06-17 15:21:03
26

@linnaea 喝茶看戏。

beining ACI中文字幕组 at 2014-06-18 04:05:05
27
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